Has there ever been a time in your life where you wondered where God was? Why he seems so far away? Wondering if anyone is listening to your prayers? When will the suffering end and the comfort come? These questions have lingered in my heart as days turned to months, and months turned to years.

Of course, you may not guess this if we’ve ever met. If I’ve ever greeted you at the door for Sunday services, you’ve probably seen the big smile on my face. My mother told me that, as a child, “I would even smile through my tears.” I wish I always felt like that on the inside. There have been periods in my life when I see myself as the clown in the song “Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. It starts off with theses words:

“Now if there’s a smile on my face, it’s only there trying to fool the public.”

Let me explain. My wife Vicki and I have a daughter who deals with panic attacks and has severe bouts of depression. She has dealt with this for nearly 20 years. There have been times when our little girl felt that suicide was the only way out, and even attempted to see that through. Every time the phone would ring, our hearts would sink wondering if this would be the call we always dreaded. As her parents, we have been crying out to God to heal her for what seems like forever. 

But this wasn’t the first time I felt like God was distant. My dad committed suicide when I was 17. We were close, and it impacted me greatly on how I viewed everyone, even God. I felt abandoned. Trust has always been a big issue with me. I would never get too close to anyone for fear of being deserted. I learned early on that rejection hurts, so I kept my guard up. Because of this, all of my relationships were shallow and meaningless. For a long time, my prayers were:

“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide Your face from me?”

Psalm 13 starts with some of the most powerful and honest verses in the Bible. It’s shown me that I am not alone in wondering if I have been forgotten about. But after that comfort in being seen and understood, what was I to expect next? My heart mimicked David’s opening lines, as I asked “How long will death or the threat of it steal those I love away from me?”

Vicki was at a women’s retreat hoping to come to terms with how to navigate our daughter’s struggles. We were at a loss and had no hope. Twenty years is a long time to not experience peace. We had been praying for God to fix her the whole time. But the message she received from Him that day was life changing. She heard that still quiet voice tell her,

“It is not about Me fixing her, it is about you trusting Me”.

It was about me trusting God? I was a Christian, of course I trusted Him. But that wasn’t true. Trust was the very thing I withheld from everyone, including God. The message Vicki received wasn’t just for her, but me. It was an epiphany for the both of us. We never went beyond the lamenting stage. We were steeped in despair. 

“How long must I wrestle with my thoughts, and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, Lord my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death…”

David asked that God would enlighten his eyes. For us, that meant surrendering to the fact that we may never know the reason why our daughter faces suffering beyond our control, but that God is asking us to trust him. 

When I was in the middle of this “dark night of the soul”, I couldn’t see him clearly. I had read day and night about how I can trust God for everything. But until that “aha” moment, I realized I was not trusting Him. I was saying to Him, in essence, that He wasn’t trustworthy. Today, I sit here in tears wondering how I could even think that about the one who gave everything for me. The Father gave his son for me. The Son gave his life for me. What else would he not give me? It was something I needed to experience. Only by going through the fire would I have a change of heart. But that is not all. Look at how God dealt with David even after the doubting.

Once I saw my need to trust in God fully, I started relying on His promises. I realized that He deals bountifully with me. What that will look like for you, I don’t know. But think of it this way. He has not only given us life, but eternal life. Not just peace, but perfect peace. Not just grace, but abounding grace.

What are ways He has dealt bountifully with me? I’m so thankful for my church family. Without the support and understanding of others who were dealing with similar issues, we would have been alone. Prior to attending Sojourn East, Vicki and I had experienced shame and guilt from the very people we looked to for support. Sometimes church people don’t deal well with anxiety and depression. Had I never been through that fire, I may not either. It wasn’t a coincidence that we ended up on the doorstep of Sojourn East five years ago. We know we were brought here for a reason, and his faithfulness has been proven time and time again through the relationships we’ve built here.

I’m a slow learner, but after nearly 20 years He got my attention. He was working and never gave up on me. I would love to tell you that I have arrived. However my faith and doubt in Him goes up and down like a yo-yo. Slowly but surely my faith is growing. That smile you see on my face as you enter the doors of our church, more often than not, is genuine. My love for all of you is real. Like David, my circumstances haven’t changed, but I’ve been changed. Christ came to set me free, and more and more I am realizing what a gift that is.

If you find yourself going through a trial, know that He has not forsaken you. He will never forget you. He will see you through no matter how long it takes. My prayer is that Psalm 13 will open the eyes of your heart as it opened mine.

Larry Lambert is married to the love of his life, Vicki. They have three children: Eric, Lindsey and Emma; and three grandsons (ages 11, 9 and 7) who are absolutely some of the greatest joys of their life. He has a passion for landscaping (come visit their prayer garden this summer) and riding his bike through the Parklands.